What an absolutely horrible, horrible day this has been! I’ve had a troubled, sickly client for the last two days. All I can think is it’s my fault, that I don’t do enough, I’m not working hard enough. Add to that – I woke up this morning to the beginning of a relentless cycle looping again and again in my head, telling me to quit writing, that I don’t really want to write (or I would enjoy it more), that I’ll never break into the market, my sales will be stagnate, that I’m really not any sort of writer to begin with – I should just call it quits now and not waste all my time and endure all the hard work.
What? Why the hell am I plagued with this crap all the time? Why am I my own worst enemy?
So, I didn’t write anything today. I didn’t edit anything today. I quit writing about twelve times, always coming back again about five minutes later, always coming up with a reason, always luring me back. I would make up my mind that I would not finish OUR DAUGHTER or SEEKING LIGHT AURORA and would just slink away into the darkness, a watcher, a reader – not a creator. That thing that keeps driving me, that spark that gives birth to ideas and characters and stories and the drama and tension that makes a good story – all that I would squash. There’s no need for it, right? There are so many books in the world as it is already, why just clutter it up with more?
I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I need to figure out a strategy to either get rid of this negativity and self-doubt or at least find a way to control/suppress it.
Finger’s crossed for tomorrow.