It’s now coming on 10pm and I’m still just as deep in my bucket of crabs as I was this morning or last night. I have glimmers every now and then – brief moments where I can see hope, see potential in the life/the time I have left. Everything else is pretty much shit all the way around.

I’ve suddenly grown highly allergic to my business partner. He is driving me 100% crazy! All the stupid crap he does, the useless endeavors he strikes out in in the name of “the business” only to cause me more grief and frustration and complication down the road. He’s either taking up valuable time he could be using to better use somewhere else in the business or his direct actions get in the way of our basic day to day operations. I’m suddenly to the point that I can’t stand to be in the same room or talk on the phone with him.

I’m starting to think it’s my diet. I’ve been struggling to lose weight the last few months. I’ve done pretty good, losing about 40 lbs overall. The nurse at my last appointment said I have added years to my life just with the weight I have already lost. But I’m right now stuck, unable to lose any more. I do good, keep my calorie count under control for 3 days at most, then over eat, putting any losses back on. It’s a yo-yo. I think the influx/outflux of high processed foods (sugar) in my diet has put my mood and disposition in a tailspin.  I’m thinking of writing out an NLP self-talk script to counteract some of this behavior and reading it several times a day.

Today I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air, grab my GO-BAG and hit the road. Saying screw it to everything: to the business, a job, my retirement plans, having a home, a vehicle, a resemblance of a life (goals, dreams, aspirations), and just go live homeless in a small town on the coast. I can collect cans and eat out of dumpsters. There is a guy living in Wyoming (?) who lives without money, just making his life off the refuse of the world. I’m not frustrated enough, though, to take this kind of drastic measure. For one thing, I woudl have to give up my laptop and I’m really not ready for that yet. Second, I actually HAVE a job and I make pretty good money for the amount of work I put in each day. I don’t have a boss. I set my own hours. Granted, I have to deal with my idiotic business partner. But even he can be managed.

God, I hope I get out of this funk soon. The positively pessimistic outlook is not very productive.

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